Moving On

I hate drama.  I hate confrontation of all kinds.  I generally do my very best to avoid it.

But lately it seems to be finding me, despite my best intentions.

Last spring we had drama over our adoption – trying to fight a completely bogus third home study, “required” even after we had completed our post-placement visits and had been sent the “consent to adopt.” (Grrrrrr.)

Confrontation became necessary last winter, when we realized that we never should have put our girls in school and we were going to have to pull them out right after the first 9-week period. (Blehhhhh.)

Last fall we decided to switch churches, wanting to be more involved in the military community where we live and where Wayne works.  We explained our decision to the pastor and his wife and they seemed to be understanding and supportive.   We thought everything was fine, but as time went on, it felt weird.  People didn’t contact us to check on us, ask why they hadn’t seen us, or to invite us to do stuff with them.  Our “life group” never contacted us at all.  It felt like we were blacklisted.  I’ve tried to shrug it off, but it’s still felt like conflict to me.  Maybe it’s just “out of sight, out of mind.”  Hard to know, really.

So, about that “going to church on the base to cultivate community with our neighbors” thing?  Perhaps I was dreaming of living in a small town in 1950.  The truth is, no young(ish) families go to the chapel.  One other family goes on occasion, but they only show up once every 4-5 weeks, and half the time the mom refuses to speak to me.  The people who go to church there are either, 1) retired, and I mean they retired about the time I was born, OR b) students, and I mean half my age, single and only here for a few weeks or months for training.  There is no family ministry going on.  So we were going to a tiny church with bad music (oh it was bad – felt like going to church in 1982) where I had to teach children’s church every week and it was becoming increasingly clear to us that we were doing this for no. actual. reason.

Wayne and I had several conversations about it – should we stick it out, should we leave, is this right for the kids, we only have 20 months left here…(Yeah, that’s still a decent amount of time…)

Then, Sunday night, we were given the chance to see things really clearly.

A leader at the base chapel accused Abby of hitting her son.  The son said Abby hit him, Abby said she did not.  No adult saw anything.  Wayne and I believed Abby.  (This particular boy has some issues.  Once he came over our house and bit Emma, then crawled in our coat closet and refused to come out.  Are you imagining a toddler?  Oh, no. He’s 9.)  The other mom did not believe Abby, and she went berserk.  She pointed her finger at Abby and yelled, “Don’t you sit there and lie to my face!!”  When I turned and, in shock, firmly said, “Now hang on,” she began to address the rest of her remarks to her son, officially, but she was right behind me and shouting angrily that she was sick of this happening every week (whaa?) and things like “This is bullcrap!” It was crazy.  Crazy!  Wayne and I just sat there in shock for a few minutes.  We didn’t engage with any of it.  After a few minutes, we quietly picked up our things and left.

I spent the rest of the evening googling local churches.

I strongly value stability, longevity, reliability.  I believe in seeing things through.  But somehow, lately, it looks like I don’t.  I pulled my kids out of school after 11 weeks.  We’ve been here a year and a half and are starting at a third church.  Ugh!!!  I tried to make Wayne promise that no one would think badly of me if we changed churches again.  😉 I know we look like church hoppers.  We don’t want to be! We don’t plan to be! We left one church with good intentions of ministry elsewhere, it didn’t work out and now we’re changing again.  I’m really not proud of it.  I hate it, actually.  Especially because I can imagine what people are saying behind our backs.  But – I don’t know what else to do.

Last night I took the girls to the Wednesday night program at a large church not too far from our house.  (Ben had t-ball practice.)  They loved it.  LOVED.  There were lots of kids, fun activities, and most importantly, no one yelled at them or called them a liar!  We’ll all go on Sunday, and hopefully this can be our church until we move.

Because I’m really, really done with drama.

 

About waymel

Navy wife. Homeschooling mom. Adoptive parent. Pianist. Introvert. One who loves quiet and beauty.
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8 Responses to Moving On

  1. redkeeney says:

    Don’t worry about what people might think! I know, easier said than done.. but most likely no one is saying or even thinking anything. It wouldn’t make any sense to stay somewhere you didn’t feel like you were being fed, being productive and where someone is calling your child a liar. (The nerve!) I say go and have not another thought about it.

  2. shirley wilmoth says:

    before I read what Robyn wrote , my first sentence was to be “don’t worry about what other people think!” I agree that probably no one is thinking anything. I’m glad the girls enjoyed Wednesday night and I’m anxious to hear about this coming Sunday.

  3. Becky says:

    This sounds like what happened to us at South Haven, only Scott did get hit at a sleep over where adults were not watching the kids. We ended up leaving the church, the teens were awful. The youth minister’s son was in a okay on the alter and said S—, then let the F bomb drop. But most of the congregation said they didn’t hear it. That is when we said goodbye. We found out the preacher had an affair and resigned. My thoughts, the devil was dancing in that church. When we left only one person called us once. The kids sent Scott nasty instant chats on the computer too.

  4. tjchurch2001 says:

    I guess I’ll just follow what others are saying here, as it’s really also one of my “Top Thoughts”: Don’t worry about what others are/might be thinking.

    Not sure when it was, but I decided a few years back I couldn’t care less (annoys me when people say that wrong) whether people like me or hate me. (This includes doctors, lawyers, teachers, etc. that get sometimes-undue respect.) I realize I have the proverbial laundry list of medical issues, so my list of friends might be small, & friends of any decent time certainly smaller. Long as folks REMEMBER me, I’m cool.

  5. loveandkate says:

    I read this blog when you posted it (on my phone) and have been thinking about it ever since. I totally feel for you on this. I think it’s really tough when we *know* how we are, but on the outside it looks completely different. I also do hope that your mom and Robyn are right (and let’s face it, they are!) and that no one is thinking anything. I absolutely think that switching churches is the way to go. You and your family will be happier, and that’s the most important thing! You’re just doing what’s best for your family in EVERY situation. And I’m sure your true friends see that that is indeed what you are doing. LOVE!

  6. Rebecca says:

    Of course we’ve already talked about this but I really like what Kate had to say, about knowing who we are but then also knowing that things that are happening don’t make us appear. . . the way we are. I’ve been there. Think I’m still there sometimes. It is so much more important to make the correct decison than to worry about how it appears to everyone else. Maybe they will always have the wrong impression. But you’ll be heading in a direction that is more focused and wiser and more true to who you want to be.

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